The Great Ancestor

All my life I strive to prove myself. I’ve done everything with the goal of being the good son. Ultimately that goal led to an empty feeling in my heart. I denied myself the ability for true growth due to the self imposed limitations of fulfilling the ambitions of my birth family and their ambitions from the old world.

Let me define this old world first to give you a better understanding of these “ancient” values. I grew up in a world were piousness, servitude and faith were the driving factors of human existence. These factors, I was told, would please “god” and get me to heaven and provide fulfillment. I grew up holding on to the ancient dogmas, rules and limitations of a world that was driven by superstition and misunderstanding of the natural universe. To question this was implausible, it’s all part of the plan and not for man to understand. Slowly my faith in these dogmas began to diminish. My logical rational self fought with the illogical nature of religion and understanding of a faith based reality. After all, this faith based reality had shaped the world I grew up in, and I saw my family as true purveyors of this faith in their loving deeds and not just their words. My parents and sister are loving, warm, kind giving people. They truly live their faith, they help others without hesitation, they shelter those in need with their kindness, home, food, comfort and spiritual guidance. What more could I ask for? These are people who selflessly give of themselves to others without asking anything in return. True moral pillars.

But something about this world did not jive with me for years. Not the kindness and giving part, but the limitations of the “old ways”. There are these nonsensical rules from the catholic church that still govern their lives and in my opinion keep them from truly achieving this heightened state. I will be the first to admit, I am not as kind and giving as them. They serve selflessly to the point of self detriment and stunting of their growth which is something I simply cannot accept. It took me years to understand what was missing from their lives and the things that contribute to their anxieties and doubts.

Self Care.

My family is very caring and they give everything to others when others are in need. Unfortunately when my family went through difficult times with my fathers dementia and Parkinsons diagnosis all that good karma they had put out in the universe disappeared into a black hole. Their friends who so selfishly took when they were in need let my family down and offered no support during their difficult times. My family was hurt deeply, they did everything right and were let down by those closest to them. For years they toiled away making sure everyone else was taken care of while neglecting their own needs.

Self Care.

I grew up never taking time to process my feelings, always on the move, always distracted. Once I started taking time to process my feelings and look deep within for answers my faith slowly started to erode. Their is an old saying, “nothing creates atheists like reading the bible critically”. I realized, this old book, these ancient beliefs were crippling me on the inside and limiting my growth and ability to evolve.

Self Care.

I was unhappy for years. Feeling like I betrayed my upbringing, disrespecting my family and their faith. I hid my lack of faith and my athieism from my family. I tried to balance both worlds and was successful but unfulfilled.

After a very minor health incident last summer I realized something needed to change or else the rest of my brief existence on this planet would continue as status quo. Status quo doesn’t sound bad, it got me this far right? I’m a successful white collar professional, beautiful wife, three gorgeous sons, nice home, paper millionaire and by all means living the American Dream. So why so unsatisfied?

Self Care.

For years I felt this tremendous sense of guilt if I took time to myself. Like I was somehow letting people down if I wasn’t constantly there for them. If I took a break and needed time to myself I was somehow doing something wrong. Why? Why can I not be as kind to my self and my own needs as I am to others? How to solve this dilemma? For years I filled the void in my inner peace by being Johnny Consumer and constantly distracting myself. Always overindulging in something whether it be comics, music, toys, computer files, food, television, pretty women. Looking and valuing anything to fill that void in my psyche that prevented me from growing. I have rarely felt a sense of fulfillment no matter how much I fed my desires.

Slowly throughout the years I realize I have been taking these tiny steps to fulfillment and self care. Speaking kindness to a stranger, using my weird, wacky, mentally ill sense of humor to bring laughter to this world. I have worked on my perpetual shyness and personal insecurity by simply talking to random people I’d meet. The checkout clerk at the supermarket, folks I worked with, the cleaning lady in my office anyone who would listen basically. Slowly I started feeling comfortable speaking my personal truth and not caring if I looked stupid, immature, weird or something else. I was finally giving myself permission to blossom.

Finally I have found the missing piece in my life. Self Care. Now I indulge it by letting go of the massive feeling of guilt that I carried if I wasn’t fulfilling everyone else’s expectations of me. Funny enough within my own nuclear family I have asked for clarification of their perceptions of me. Am I really a selfish lout who takes from his wife and children without giving? Is that how they saw me? Of course the answer was a resounding “NO”. Wait a second? If I take a break to work on myself I am not neglecting all of your needs? Did I make this all up on my own? Did my inner anxiety and the remnants of good old Catholic guilt really distort my perception of myself? Is this how it’s been all along? Have I really been mindfucking myself and has my perception of myself been this wrong for all these years?

Yes, dummy. You were awesome all along and more than enough for everyone but you did not realize it.

Self Care.

All my life I have diminished all of my accomplishments. I suck at accepting praise. I’m just doing what I am supposed to do after all. I feel this need to go above and beyond for my fellow humans and no matter what I did it never felt like I gave as much of myself as my family does. I ignored all of my challenges, insecurities, doubts, feeling and emotions. Tamped them down. I never gave myself permission to feel these things because somehow, someone else out there has it much worse than I do, so I should be grateful for all the good things I have right? Maybe that is enough for most people, but it wasn’t enough to fill the emotional void in my life. My love of life, my family, my world had diminished and I was no longer living. I was only existing in this overall joyless, passionless life. Sure there are happy moments it was not all bad, but I wasn’t fully enjoying all the beauty that is in my world. I was always looking to something else. The past, the unfulfilled passions, expectations and dreams that I had for myself when I was younger.

Slowly as I calmed the voices of doubt in my head with cannabis I started having epiphanies. But I ignored them and let them float back into the universe unfulfilled. Enter journaling.

Journaling opened up the well inside me. These profound truths of the universe and self fulfillment have finally been accepted by my restless soul. The cathartic peace and discovery of true understanding of my inner nature have led me to a path of gratefulness and happiness that I have never experienced before. Wait, I can finally let something go? I don’t have to carry this garbage of the past with me? I can put it down like an old wheeless set of luggage and start rolling it. I no longer have to carry that weight on my shoulder and even better, I can let it go of that luggage? Fucking Unbelievable.

At 52 I feel more passionate and fulfilled than I have in the last twenty years. I’ve gotten rid of the work stresses and am in a non toxic environment professionally. I have used cannabis to help smooth out the crippling anxiety and worthlessness I have felt most of my life. Right now I am the best version of myself. I am the best husband and father I have ever been and that is saying a lot because truthfully If I look objectively at myself these last 20 years I was already a great husband and father. Right now I am the best version of a father and husband, the sage leader. The self doubt is gone. My light is shining and I have stopped worrying about being the good son.

My journey now is to be the great ancestor by raising sons who have a better understanding of their role in the world. I am raising fantastic men who will positively impact this world somehow. I am living my life to become the foundation for a better, kinder, fulfilling, self caring and more loving world. I realize I am a unicorn in this world, these types of epiphanies and growth are rare for people of my generation. But if I can influence my children and give them the best tools possible to succeed personally and professionally then my journey has been worthwhile.

Let go of dogma. Live in the world of 2022 and beyond. Take the best of the past and use it to shape a better future. Being a servant to a world that no longer exists is not the path to fulfillment and only serves the past, not the future. A healthy dose of self care brought these epiphanies into my consciousness. What will you use to move forward to let go of ancient history and build your own best existence.

Avoid distractions, process your feelings and practice plenty of self care. If it helped this middle aged anxiety riddled suburban dad, it can help you.

Self Care is Key.

Now go ahead, become your best self and become, The Great Ancestor.